AND of course, the time Steph and I tried to go to see BO at Alabama Adventures. You wouldn't think that would be a hard things to do.... but then again, we ARE The Steph's. We function on a WHOLE different level than the rest of the world.


The Chronicles of Bessemer. The grasshopper, the giant, and the toll booth.

Okay, so... get a nice cold drink, pull up a chair and get comfy. It's time for a little bedtime story. I've decided that today was just FAR too eventful not to be chronicled for all of my avid fans to read about. It's a good story. Full of laughter, scares, getting lost, and even giant amounts of Raid bug spray. Reel you in yet? Thought so.

Just so you have a visual here are the players:

Me of course: >

My BFF, the other Steph:

Bo:

Okay, so Steph and I decide it's a pretty day... Bo is playing at Alabama Adventures, we haven't done anything loser-y in a while, let's go! So we do. My friend Heather (you may recognize her from my top 8... she's awesome. and yes there are two heathers... I'll leave you to figure out who I am talking about) is a huge Bo fan like Steph so she of course is coming along. We look up directions for the place and set off about 6:35 thinking since he isn't singing until 8 that with the drive being only twenty minutes, we'll have plenty of time. I call Heather and tell her we are leaving so she can meet us there, and we are off! Once we get on the road Steph asks "Was that 459 North or South" Hmm... woulda been a good thing to know! Did I think to look at that bit of valuable info? Of course not. "Umm... North, I think."

So, we start driving north.

Twenty minutes later... "Shouldn't be be there by now?"

"Yeah, and where is the 59 exit? And do we need north or south?"

"&$&#&#*"

So, we call her mother so she can look at the directions again... Yeah... mostly went the TOTAL wrong way. it was 459 SOUTH. Good lord... we have now driven at least 20 minutes the WRONG WAY and it's after seven. Heather calls "Where are you guys?" Oh... nowhere near where we need to be... AWESOME. So we get on 59 south knowing that it'll eventually get us there... it's 7:10 and we are at exit 134 when we need to be at 110... and it's friday traffic. SWEET!

Okay... so now going Millennium Falcon speeds to get there. Let's hope there are no Johny's around to get us. Heather calls again because poor girl... we said we'd be there fifteen years ago. And I'm embarrased... because I'm a dumbass.

Anyway... fifteen years later, we get to the park. Oh good! You have to pay to park. Let's get some money out. Oh I have three dollars and you have none? Good. How much does it cost to park? Seven dollars. Yes, that's right. We can't afford to pay to park. "Well, at six flags you can use a debit card. Maybe you can here."

Dear, afraid we aren't at six flags.

"Is it cash only to pay to park?' The attendent looks at us like we just crawled out of The Ocean of Stupid. "Yes, it's cash only." He looked back at all of the cars behind us. "Well... we only have checks and cards. What should we do?" The attendent then says "Checks are fine." Well SIR, if checks are fine why did you say cash only? Last time I checked, checks weren't cash? Idiot. Okay, so I quickly write a check and we are finally in the park. But still... the journey to Bo is not over.

After we park in freaking NIGERIA we have to walk 40 days and 40 nights to even get to where you buy tickets. When we do arrive, FINALLY, we in the shortest line, thinking, well less time. Shorter lines usually mean quicker, right? Hell, no. We get behind some weird ass who wants to peruse season passes... asking EVERY POSSIBLE QUESTION that can be asked about season passes. "How much do they cost? What color are they? Will my season pass make my look fat? Can you marry a season pass? If I buy a season pass, will women love me?" Good god, this sucks. Okay, finally he is satisfied with his season pass purchase and we can move on. Then once in the park, we have to find a bathroom because it's been ten years in the making just to get there. Now it's like 7:58.

Okay, finally up to Bo. Show starts. We can see pretty good. It's awesome. He sounds amazing, of course. Bo knows how to rock it, and he looks hotter than ever. Awesome. Oh wait, what's this? People are on the move? And look at that, is that a person? Oh no, it's a GIANT. An acutal giant. This man is llike 7 feet tall. And while he can see just fine where he is, right behind me. That's not good enough. He looks right at me, and then steps right in front of me with his chisolm wife. I mean... wtf? You could see where you were and now I cannot see anything but the back of your unusually large head. And wait? What's this? Bo's singing is an aphrodisiac? You want to make-out hardcore right in my face? Awesome. Oh, even better, she's sticking her tongue in his ear. You can't beat free life action skanky porn... I must say this... BO FANS ARE RUDE. And then, a nasty fog settled over our area... it was a breeze from the bog of eternal stinch... I mean.. someone had an accident. It smelled SO RIPE! Even Bo must have smelled it At any rate, Bo is phenomenal. Really. And to end the show, Bo pulls out the magic ingredient. Skynrd. If you ever want to get Alabama hoppin' that's the way to do it. It's like a catalyst. And, of course, it was great!

Okay, so even though I can't see most of the show, I'll admit, it rocked. So, then we leave... or at least try to leave. The parking lot DOES NOT MOVE. And yes, I know you can never get out of a parking lot after a concert in a timely fashion, but this was UNREAL. We were, literally, in the lot for an hour. Just sitting. Never even moving from out spot. It was ridiculous. Seriously so. I mean, the radio actually ran out of songs to play while we were sitting there and had to resort to the crap they only play when they think no one is listening.

So, once finally out of the parking lot, Steph and I must put on some "I gotta get through this" which is old school for us and we harmonize the whole way home because we are cool like that. Deal.

Anyway... FINALLY back at Steph's.... Oh wait? What's this on the front porch? Did my flip flop come off of my foot and take flight? OH DEAR GOD NO, THAT'S JUST A GIANT COCKROACH FLYING AT MY HEAD!!! We ran into the house without even shutting the door. Thank god it didn't fly in. Probably would have robbed the place. I mean... this sucker was HUGE. Probably had a gun in his trenchcoat. Anyway... I stay a min...we upload pics then I decided to leave. Now apparently Steph lives in the deepest jungles... that or she opened a game called Jumangi and some of the bugs escaped out because the BIGGEST grasshopper EVER flew right on in. I mean... this thing was so huge he was smoking a cigar. Steph tossed me the raid (which was supposed to be floral scent, but damn, who's garden smells like that?) and I go crazy. Didn't even phase the thing. He looked at me and seriously said, "What else you got?" Weirdly enough, he sounded just like Joe Pesci. Stephanie yells at me to get the vacuum and I sucked him up. It was gross. Scared the crap out of me. So, I left, and about two minutes later Steph calls and tells me that in her effort to get to safety from the front door and the land of the giant bugs, she has slipped in the gallons of springy-crap covered flowers scented raid I sprayed about and has busted her butt. Ah... what an end to a strange day.

Now, yeah, this story wasn't as funny or cool as you might have hoped, and it's after one am so I bet I left a lot out, spelled a lot wrong, and all of that good stuff... but I'm telling you... it was a WEIRD DAY.